When I #3

Opened my Heart 

I can’t explain what I feel because i don’t really know. Am in a stage where confusion is all I have. The feeling of not being insecure faded long back. Now am I don’t know what. I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to and even if I do, I don’t think there’s anyone who can get that. Whenever I have tried or actually shared I’ve ended up being disappointed, betrayed or any other that can make it worse. I’m in such a bad place that while I’m writing I swear the space for title is empty because I don’t even know what to write.

I find so strange that when we’re so young, not caring about what we wear, how we look, etc. we actually know what we want.We are focused more than ever. And now when I have full on senses I can’t figure out anything in my life. Is it necessary to know everything now? Can’t we take sometime to find out what we really want by discovering what we are?

My life story till now hasn’t been the best but am alive and earth still exists. It’s just me who makes me feel like life has come to its verge of extinction and my whole world is shattering into pieces. But then just Ice-cream or a good movie changes my mood until I again bother myself with all the stuff around me. I know it’s stupid how I know the reason but still am at the same place. Am a living hypocrite and that too the one who accepts that she is. You know I actually do accept a lot of things about me and I don’t care if it doesn’t make me perfect but it makes me who I am for real. I’m really proud that I don’t fake myself and just be what I am. Yeah! at some point you gotta be an actor. You need to behave like in the right situation but I won’t lie to someone.

The other day, actually a while back I was speaking to my friend who knows me, I have no idea how and also that why I still talk to him because he’s my ex who cheated on me but still I just can’t do that. It’s been so many years but still he matters the same. OK! now coming back to what I wanted to say. So I was speaking to him and he asked me if I was okay and I said I was but he didn’t buy it. So he asked me again and asked if I didn’t wanna share with him and I really wanted too let everything in my heart out and just pour it before him but I didn’t. I just said that I wanna avoid people, fake friends and just be alone with coffee, music and books. He asked if something happened but I denied. Not a good sharer after all. Well what he told me after that is something that nobody has ever told me and am gonna remember that for long or may be forever. I can’t say the exact words but I can tell what he wanted to show me.

He said that Shalini why do you always shut yourself up or may be out? when you’re not wrong, when it’s not your fault? Why do you apart yourself when the person who should be doesn’t even care. Stop caring so much. Care for yourself and let someone do care for you, understand you and be there for you.You are always there for everyone, even the ones who have given you nothing but pain. You need to understand that its OK to not be there always. its OK to be a little selfish until it doesn’t harm anyone.

He didn’t say exactly this. I also wrote what I felt. But its not what am talking about. I just wanna say that this made me cry. It really did. I know you aren’t gonna get any tears by reading this but when you are in a bad place and you hear this from someone you love and you know that person knows you well then I am sure you are gonna feel what I did.I just wanted to get all this out of my system and I don’t know anyone better than you guys here. May be I don’t know you. But may be that is the reason I feel good when I share with you guys or may be just write it here. Because I know at least one person will read this and know how I feel.

Thank You for reading this and also sorry that you had to go through what all I wrote here.

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2 thoughts on “When I #3”

  1. Honey, trust me when I tell you this even the people who seem to have everything figured out, they don’t. And I know this because I appear so sure but I am not. Take it from a person who is feeling exactly what you’re feeling at this very moment too that things will have to work out. Whether you like it or not. And it’s okay to not know things. It’s okay to be a mess. It’s okay to be broken beyond repair. But I pray things get better for you. I really do. I am so proud of you, I am so glad you wrote what you felt. And love, want to rant or just cry or someone to listen to you, please message me. I will be there. Pinky promise. ❤

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